Archive for April, 2009

Something borrowed, something blue…this wedding thing is not for you

Thursday, April 30th, 2009
Wedding Couple from Hell

Wedding Couple from Hell

I dread weddings. It always seems like an inconvenience to have to go to a wedding. All the planning and waiting for the day and then you go and the wedding is like a clone of the last one you went to. Can someone be original already?

Okay for me its always about wearing the jacket and tie thing. I really like the weddings where its “smart casual”. Yup, “smart casual”, that’s what I said. Where the hell did that come from? I probably would have to shake that persons hand because at least I have options on just how uncomfortable I will be that night. Women always make a big deal about what they are going to wear to a wedding. It’s real important that they get it just right because one of their friends is going to comment on their “outfit” and it better be a kind word. It always happens. Just pay a little attention to it and you will definitely hear one girlfriend to another, talk about someones “outfit’. And you know damn well it better not be one that was worn before because they remember each others “outfits” from the last event.

How about the Regular Guy? What is he wearing? Probably the same thing he wore to the last wedding, or funeral or class reunion. It doesn’t matter to us at all. Yeah maybe we change the shirt from black to blue, but the jacket remains the same. Okay we have a few ties for when we really want to be wild and go out on a limb. Come on, who really gives a crap what we wear. Did you ever once hear a guy comment on another guys suit at a wedding? “Wow what a great suit and it makes your eyes really pop!” ” Oh thanks and I got it off the rack for $$$$ , can you believe it?”

That’s another thing that makes me laugh. Did you ever notice when two women are talking about anything they recently purchased, they have to tell you what they paid for it. Especially if it was a bargain! ” Hey I love those shoes Sue!”. “Thanks Candy, and I only paid $15.00 for them, can you believe it!!!???” I catch my wife all the time doing it. I used to think it was just her but then I listened to other women and just about all of them do it.  They can’t resist it. It’;s something that’s part of their makeup. As a Regular Guy, we are lucky another guy even notices that were dressed let alone what we have on. Try it one time. See if you can remember what your friend was wearing when you saw him last. Unless he has some freaky thing on its just not going to happen, because its just to damn trivial to us.

So back to weddings. You get all dressed up and it’s gotta be the hottest day of the year and you are in a suit. Now you go to the ceremony and find out its outside on a beach and the couple, as brain dead as two potatoes,  didn’t have the common sense to think it might be pretty hot and sunny in August, on a beach! Do they set up a tent at least? No! How about having some cold water available for the hour long ceremony? No! Maybe there is a reason to use a wedding planner after all. Okay so lets see, I’m in a suit, sweaty, thirsty and baked, just where I want to be. I love weddings!!! Now we go inside and I don’t know about you but unless you are family or a close friend, you don’t know anyone there. Worse even still, they put you at the freak table. Yeah you know, its the one where all the single losers, nerdy co-workers and relative no one likes get to sit. Oh yeah, they do need a place for you and you don’t know anyone so they put you there. Wow the day is just getting better and better. I am thirsty. Lets see, where is that bar? Oh, I see it, just beyond the line that extends around half the room. And look, they have two bartenders for the 150 guests who attended this festive event. Well maybe I’ll just wait a while and have some appetizers that they are passing around. Lets see, here comes the girl now……oh look, there’s a piece of chicken on a stick, or maybe I’ll have that pig in a blanket.  So the appetizers are something they serve in the aisles at Costco while you shop for real food. Boy this is bound to become a fond memory to me. I understand now why so many people get wasted at weddings. The more you drink the less you eat, only you still have to fight to get to one of the bartenders. This could be a sitcom episode.

If you know me, then you also know that I am in the food business so I am very critical about events such as weddings. So lets check out the buffet because I think I already know the there is gong to be sausage and peppers somewhere between the chicken francaise and penne vodka. Yes, there it is, the Trifecta! So dinner ends and the bride cuts the cake. Yippeeee we all get a piece with our coffee. Hopefully, because in my experience, the coffee very rarely served at the same time as the dessert, which really makes me pissy.

Ready. So here comes the best part of a wedding for men. The dance floor. Come on guys you know that all of you dread weddings because your woman is going to want to dance with you to “Its Raining Men or Celebration”. And there is ALWAYS one woman who drags out some guy by the hand and forces him to do the “White man shuffle” while she dances around him like Jennifer Beal in Flash dance. Oh I really love that scene. Poor guy.

Okay, I know I sound cynical about the whole tradition, but can I help but sound this way? So maybe the food isn’t why we all go to weddings. After all we really do want to see that someone special sent off to marital bliss. I do know that sometimes you get lucky and find yourself at a wedding that is good, maybe even great. When a couple really thinks about everything to make their guests go “Wow”. The shrimp are huge and endless, the drinks flow faster than you can ask for them, the food makes you think your at a four star restaurant and the music is just so right on that you wanna dance, or at least tap your feet. Yes this does happen every once in a while

The funny thing about weddings, is that the couple, no matter how bad you think it was, had a great time. I have never heard a couple say that their wedding was bad. They all have a blast and that’s the way it should be. It’s their day and it has to be the most memorable one of their lives, and its our duty to make them feel that way. We are there because they want to be surrounded by the people they care most about and because we have made them the people they are today. So much of their happiness on this day depends on us being a part of it all. So, all you Regular Guys out there, suck it up, put on your best “outfit” and go have a good time. Dance with your wife to all that crazy old disco music and try to find the humor in it all. After all, that happy couple up there at the head table, is counting on you being there, to share the single most important day of their life together.

Just one man’s opinion…

The Regular Guy

Chasing my tail or how the list never ends

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

Everyone has one. Everyone I know at sometime in their life creates one. Everyone who works and has some kind of responsible position should have one. Every mom has one. I have one. Make that more than one.

Yeah, I have a list. I think my list began right after college. I think my list will probably be buried beside me when I die. I just hope that my list isn’t the cause of my untimely demise.

Some years back I asked my dad if you ever get caught up in life.  Not surprisingly, but some how sadly, he said “no”. At that point I realized that life was nothing more than a list of what the next day has in store for us.

I spend the better part of my days at work using a list that reminds me of a crab. A crab, as someone once told me, takes one step forward and two steps back. I don’t know if this is true because I think they move sideways more than backwards. Anyway, my list seems to get longer each day instead of shorter and it never ends. Someone always throws another item on the list when I am not looking.

Although I hate lists they are a necessary evil that I probably couldn’t do without. As I age, my memory isn’t as good as it was in my younger days.  On second thought, maybe its not that it has gotten bad, but that there are just too many things I need to remember now. I think that our brains are like computer hard drives. There is only so much room in the short term memory to fit it all. So like I do when I use my flash drive on my computer,  I add a list to expand my brains hard drive space.

But what is it with all the things we need to do everyday. Even on my days off I can’t just sit and do nothing cause my list is always on my counter reminding me that I have stuff that needs attending to. The shame of it all is that I spend so much time doing almost nothing even though it appears that my list thinks its important. For example, going through the mail each day. How much shit do you have to receive each day to get the stuff you really need. There is so much time wasted going through all the junk mail and pulling off my personal info just to shred it. Are we really at the point in life that we need to, at some point, shred everything we acquire with our name, address and personal info on it.  Are there really that many people trying to get my info so they can scam me or are we just so fearful that this is now something we need to do each day.

And the list contains food we need to purchase, chores around the house, the Home Depot list, the gifts for the Communion we need to attend, the insurance company we need to call to ask about the mistake we find in our coverage, the cable company we call because our internet isn’t working, the sprinkler guy who turns it on and off twice a year and so on and so on…… You know the things I am talking about.

It sucks being a responsible adult. I can see why people can’t wait for retirement.  Maybe then you can sit back and relax a little. At least you can take work off the list!!!

So how do I end this madness? I can’t find the answer no matter how hard I try, but I think I know that I have to slow it down some. Life goes by so fast and even more so when your list is never ending. When you crowd so many things into a day it makes the day go by faster than it should.  Not to get to far ahead of myself but how many of the things we need to do are for or because of someone else. This is a topic in itself and one I will surely write about another time.

Just one mans opinion…….

The Regular Guy

Bay Ave Diner, Manahawkin NJ

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

As most people know, New Jersey is the diner capital. Unfortunatly for me, on this day, I chose the wrong time to visit one.

Feeling hungry and on my way to work, I can’t help thinking about a stack of pancakes with some fresh fruit.  A visit to our neighborhood diner is in order to satisfy my craving. I order up a short stack with banana’s, strawberries and blueberries and can’t wait to sink my teeth into them. Last night wasn’t a good night for dinner so I wake up hungry and craving some ‘ cakes.

As I sip a hot cup of coffee my waitress sets the plate in front of me. At first glance I am impressed at the amount of fruit that is piled high over my ‘cakes. At second glance I realize that the fruit, other than the banana’s, isn’t fresh.  Disappointment begins to set in as I attempt the navigate thru the mushy and hot blueberries to search out the ‘cakes. Even the strawberries were like tasteless shaved strawberry ice. To add insult to injury, I am served whipped margarine in a cup instead of butter. I hate margerine and especially on pancakes.

Trying to make the best of the situation and still hungry, I make it to the pancakes beneath the frozen fruit mess. The ‘cakes are always tasty and I make sure to eat the banana’s with each mouthful.

So how does this story get worse? How about the price they charged me for 2 pancakes and frozen fruit. How does $8.79 sound for that short stack mess. I can not believe my eyes and realize a lesson is hereby learned. Total for ‘cakes and coffee amounts to $10.49. I know I will never eat here again, especially since the waitress sees I didn’t eat all the fruit and charges me full price anyway.

How is it that when a customer isn’t satisfied, the waitress doesn’t make it a point to address the issue at hand to make it right or at least remove something from the bill to ease the distress. This is why I write this stuff, more for a warning shot to potential customers to these establishments.

Regular Guy rating * *

Bay Ave Diner

Bay Avenue

Manahawkin New Jersey

The Regular Guy Marriage and Sex Survey

Wednesday, April 1st, 2009

Men like to talk about marriage and sex. Well let me rephrase that…men usually always talk about marriage and sex. More so sex than marriage but marriage or even better,  “the wife”. So what does the Regular Guy think about marriage and sex? To get a better idea, I sent out a survey to 15  married Regular Guys that I know.  Out of the 15 requests sent, 9 were willing to spend five minutes of their time to take the survey. The survey was confidential, although I believe some thought it wasn’t and that their name would appear beside their answers.  Too bad because the 9 responses returned some interesting, some typical, some surprising and some exactly as I thought, answers to how men feel about their marriage and sex.

My first thoughts about the survey revolved around love, happiness and reasons men married their wives. Of the 9 guys surveyed, 90% were in love when they married and 100% were in love with their wives today, but only 65% were happily married. The top two reasons as to why these men married were love, 75%, and best friend 35%. Along those lines, 65% of these men stated that they hang out with their wives alone for fun, other than for vacations or family functions. That’s pretty telling because a lot of men usually talk about getting away from their wives but this shows the opposite.

The majority of these men, 62%,  said that they enjoy sex with their wives but 85% said they wanted it more than their wives did. Curiously enough, 82% thought that their wives sex drive changed for the worse since they were first married, and the number one cause was because of children in the marriage.  When asked if their wives asked, initiated or invited sex as often as they wanted it, 43% said no” shes never in the mood” and 43% said “yes, but she doesn’t always initiate it.” Pretty even split there.

The last question probably explains why we are so far apart with the way we think about sex.  When asked if they believed their wives understood the male sex drive. 75% said ” no, and they really don’t understand or care about our sex drive”.

So what does all this mean? I always believed that men and women never really take the time to learn about what each other truely wants and needs with sex in a marriage. Oh yeah they probably talk about it or talk at each other but as men we feel that it just falls on deaf ears. I also believe that children in a marriage become the number one thing to the woman, where in a marriage without children, the man is still the most important thing. That is usually the what I hear most from married men. They believe that they are no longer number one and that bothers them. They can’t understand why women change so much as they age.Most understand that the children are probably the reason why they change. My favorite example of the change is the “convertible test”. Can you remember a young girl who is offered a ride in a convertible say no because her hair will get messed up. Never, but take that same girl some 30 years later and there is no way shes getting in a convertible with the top down. Hell my friends wife won’t let him take the top off his Vette while shes in it.

I once heard a saying that is so true. ” Men marry women hoping they never change and women marry men hoping they do”. How true is that saying. When I say that around my friends they can’t believe how true it is especially in their marriage. They think back to how it was when they first met their wives and the things they used to do with each other. Now those same things wouldn’t even be considered by their wives. This my friends is why we have what women call “MID LIFE CRISIS”. We want the same things we always did but can’t have them anymore.

If your interested in taking the survey, just click on the picture of the “blue monkey face” in my favorites links area on this page.

The Regular Guy