Posts Tagged ‘love’

When someone dies

Wednesday, November 19th, 2014

deathWhenever someone I know dies, like most,  I am saddened by the fact that I will never get to see or talk with them again. I also find that for days I can’t help but find myself thinking about my own death and how it will affect the people I know.

The human race generally doesn’t handle dying very well. We are all scared of it and even more scared to talk about it. No one knows quite the right way to talk to someone who is dying . We don’t know the right things to say as we fear that we will say something and it will invoke tears from that person. We walk on egg shells around them and weigh carefully the words we choose. After all, most of us feel that we can’t talk about anything fun or something in the future. Death is awkward and although it very well is, we should dive head first into it  and make sure we tell that person just how much they are loved and will be missed.

I think I realize now why I have been so scared of dying. At first I thought I would miss everyone but then after thinking about it, I ‘m dead so how can I miss anything. Then I thought about all I would leave behind and the things I could no longer do and then again I realized that all those things that I have been doing my whole life has been nothing but repetition. I wake, dress, eat , work, play, shower and sleep. I laugh, cry , hate and love. I collect things, way too many things, all of which are just for material pleasure. But its all just repetition everyday until we get ill or die. Nothing so different. And then it hit me. I fear that I will not leave my mark here on earth. I fear that my life would pass and no one would notice. Wouldn’t it be great to have been Abraham Lincoln. He lives on in almost every Americans life. He’s touched millions of people. His life meant something.

When people die its sad that the world doesn’t stop for one moment to recognize the loss. Life goes on like nothing happens. But then, as I always do, I think about it and when I do, I see that we all do matter. Maybe not on such a grand scale as Lincoln but to the few loved ones in our lives we leave our mark. They will remember our laughter, and sorrow, the good times and bad. The pictures of us will remind them who we were and what we meant to them. Songs will play and bring tears to our eyes in remembrance of a moment we shared when that song played.

I have lost a handful of people in my life that left a mark on me. Some of whom I never got the chance to tell just what they meant to me, but others who I was able to spend enough time with in the end to tell them just how much they touched and shaped my life. If there is one thing that I would hope for when I am dying, is that the people I know would come to me not in pity but to rejoice my life and what it meant to them. I need to know that my life meant something. That I was put here for a reason and that its okay to die because this world was a better place because of me.

I once read a book named “Tuesdays with Morrie”. For anyone who has ever read its inspirational words, you know just how remarkable Morrie was. For those who haven’t, it is about one mans dying wish to tell the world or whoever would listen, how he felt about love, life, friends, and especially dying. Stricken with ALS and doomed to a slow deliberating death, Morrie chose to allow the world to watch as his body fails him more and more until finally he passes. The story however shows us not to fear death but to make each moment until the end mean something. Share your feelings with loved ones. Tell them how you felt your whole life and what your life meant to you and how they helped shape the person you became.

I once wrote a letter to a dying friend. I didn’t know how to tell her what I wanted to and then she became too sick to have visitors but her daughter told me she would make sure that she received my words. I wanted her to know that her life meant something to me. That I appreciated all the things we shared over the years and how I was thankful for the way she treated me. That she was a friend that I would truly miss but would remember for the rest of my life. I wanted her to know that spending time with her made me a better person than I would have been if we never met. I wanted to make sure that she knew before she passed, how much she touched my life.

Just recently our family lost a very close friend. I didn’t know him as well as my sister did for she was who introduced him to our family some 25 years ago. However, over the last year or so I often sat one on one with him and talked politics, sports, business and such but one thing stood out more than anything else and it was the reason I cared so much for him. He spoke of my sister and how much he loved her and how important she was to him. How he would do anything for her because she was a special woman and he recognized how hard she worked for her children, husband and how little she asked for in return. His dying hurt my sister badly but I am sure that in his last days they spent meaningful time together and hopefully shared how much they meant to each other. Truly the way it should be.

Dying should not scare loved ones away. It should be embraced as a time for closure and celebration of that persons life, for after they pass, it will be too late to share those feelings together.

Just one man’s opinion

The Regular Guy

 

 

Searching for Mr Right

Sunday, May 15th, 2011

It seems to me that there is quite a crowd of women between the ages of 30 and 40 who can not find Mr Right.

Online dating sites brag about the rate people that find love using  their programs, but in real life they seem to fall short of their lofty success reports. Women between the ages of 30 and 40 are finding themselves in limbo when it comes to landing the man of their dreams, especially if they have high standards. More and more I hear how there are so few “good” men out there and that the ones they date always fall short of capturing not just their heart but simply their interest.

Yesterday I stood between four women aged 35 to 50 and listened to them question ones relationship status. This woman being questioned is about to turn 40 and had been through a marriage that went bad. That was 7 years ago and today, she finds herself still looking for Mr Right. Sandy (not her real name) is a great girl who is not only very attractive but intelligent, witty, honest and sincere. She is also very independent and well liked by everyone who knows her. Why then can’t she find what shes looking for? She explained how just recently she met a new guy, who is 40 and without baggage (means no ex wife, no kids) which is rare these days. She also mentioned that he would like children and that is one of the things Sandy is looking for in a man. One of the women stated that at 40, he knows what he wants as opposed to earlier in his life. I laughed aloud when I heard that statement because usually men say they can not figure out women because they are always changing. t Matter of fact, men who are married often state that their wives are no longer the girl they married (see earlier posts for more on this). When I laughed they asked why I had, and I couldn’t help but chime in. I said that men were simple in what they want and that it never changes. Perhaps it’s that women at this age don’t want the same things as they did years ago when we were closer in what we both wanted and expected from each other. I said that men wanted the same things now as we did then. Sex, good food, toys and laughter. Its is really very simple, but for a woman at this age the sex we want is always too much, women don’t have time to cook or don’t know how, the love of cars, motorcycles, sports, and electronics never did anything for woman to begin with, and laughter is childish( ie: the Three Stooges come to mind). A good example might be this: In high school just about every girl wanted the jock boyfriend. He was into all the things I mentioned above and to some extent so was she. She played sports or went to to the games(maybe to meet one of the jocks). She thought his car was “cool” especially if it was a convertible, because then everyone could see her in it. Now, if you look at that guy today, he is still the same but the woman his age considers him “childish” for being the same man today as he was back then. Today the women want the “geek” who back in high school they made fun of or never paid any attention to his attraction to her. He was weird or goofy, skinny or dressed funny. Not COOL. Too bad because now all those great guys are probably the nerds who are married and successful. Oh the jocks are probably married too or they are bald and fat and are now the unattractive ones. One hell of a vicious cycle huh?

So in this day of single girls outnumbering single guys, where does a great girl find her soul mate? That question will probably go without answer forever because as they say “you can’t force love because it happens when you least expect it”.

Just one mans opinion…

The Regular Guy

 

Amore

Thursday, August 13th, 2009

What is love and can it exist today?

Everyone seems to be in search of love. From the time we are young we are told that if we do the right things, we will find a girl who loves us and we will marry her, have a family and live a happy life. This is how a happy life is portrayed to most men and women from the time they are able to understand the birds and the bees.

Why is it then that we live in a society of people who have made divorce law a career choice for a vast amount of attorneys? Everything points to marriage as a bad option for a happy life. After all, over fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce. And if you think those odds are bad, second marriage divorces are over seventy five percent.

So why does love, if we finally find it, end so badly? Why do people lose the love they once had? Keeping it simple, I say it is because generally, we are selfish people. Most young people who get married now don’t know how to not be selfish. Today people are all about garnering material things. So much so that we have created a nation in debt, just so we can drive a nicer car than we can afford and feel good for the moment. Going into a marriage after living a life about “me” is a hard thing to change. Marriage is supposed to be about “us,” not “me”. The hard part about love is putting the other person first, not once in awhile but all the time. Being selfish, that’s just not something you can do and expect a long loving relationship. Just think about it for a minute. If each person considered their spouses feelings and needs before acting on something, it would make for a much better marriage. Just that one thing can change the whole marriage. And this is something that you have to be conscience of from the beginning and never let it slip away. It sounds crazy but take the selfishness out of the marriage and it removes most problems.

People lose the love they had because they stopped thinking about how to keep it. Again, this is something that has to be worked on. I once heard a saying that went like this. “If you want a happy marriage, you need to have a happy wife”. In other words fellas, do whatever it takes to make your wife happy and you will find happiness yourself. If you do all the little things like open doors, pull out chairs, save the last cookie for her, remember things she thinks you will forget, kiss her goodnight, walk next to her not in front of her, sit next to her in restaurants instead of across from her and hold her hand when she is near, she will “feel” how much you love her and return that love a hundred fold . You get what you give in life and no more so then in a marriage.

Too many of my friends have lost that love they once had with their wives and once lost it is extremely hard to rekindle. It takes double the effort because both people have forgotten what got them there. If you have children, that effort is even harder to maintain. Always the excuse that the kids come first. It wasn’t always that way when you first married but now it’s the way it is, or so everyone says. If you give into that, then your marriage is doomed. So many men have taken the back seat to their kids when they once were number one in the wife’s world. This just might be the reason so many men cheat. You can’t expect a man to come second to his kids for too long before he starts reaching out for what is missing at home. This is why it’s so important for couples to maintain the things they did when they met, when they were both the most important thing to each other.

Love doesn’t come easy and when it does, its harder to maintain. Love hits you like a brick but the mark won’t last long without a few stone throws to remind you how good it is. Love, like anything else in life that’s worth something, takes effort. That effort should be embraced and cherished because when you have love it makes it easier to deal with the terrible things we  face everyday. There isn’t a secret to what makes love last, its just how bad you want it to.

There are too many people, especially women,  who think they are in love. Everyone knows  someone like that. They tell you that they stay in a bad relationship because they love that person. They stay and think that their love can change that person, make them see the light. Wake up, people don’t change unless they want to. “A zebra can’t change his stripes”. I made that mistake once and my marriage ended in divorce. I saw the signs before getting married, but chose to ignore them. I believed that she would change after she saw how great our life could be. I was wrong and I wouldn’t listen to anyone who tried to tell me so. Get over it and move on. You deserve better. If a man loves a woman, he will tear down walls to get to her, and he will never take advantage of her love. Never. Be honest to yourself and find someone who is right for you.

On another note, you changing might be the difference in finding love. Love doesn’t always find you on your doorstep. Sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go out and find it. I know two women about thirty seven years old who have been searching for love since I met them some three years ago. It is constantly on their minds that they can not find Mr. Right. My advice to them has always been to move away to a new life. The person they are looking for isn’t in their neighborhood. My wife, changed her life and found me. She got tired of her life the way it was and figured she would never find the right guy while doing the same old things. She picked up, left her job, and moved out of state to start a new life. Less than two years later she met me and we married with in six months. Sometimes it takes drastic measures to meet the right Regular Guy!!!

Love is a strange thing. People who don’t have it, constantly search it out while people who found it don’t know how to keep it. If your a Regular Guy and want love to last, make an effort to keep it alive. Don’t give up so fast on love, because when love is right, it is your greatest chance for a healthy and long life.