It’s probably a good idea for you to first read the article linked to this post before reading my thoughts on it below.
As much as I hate to think that this person is correct in his opinion, I believe he could have hit the bulls-eye!
Marriage really doesn’t work, at least not like it used to. We have become a society of me rather than we people. Marriage after all, is just too hard for most people to become adept at, mainly because there is very little incentive for them to do so. People used to marry for love but if you ask couples today why they are marrying, most place love at the back of the list, and some never even mention it. It’s usually “we’ve been together for years and it was time”. How can anyone expect a marriage to last if that’s a reason to get married. Time together should never be a reason to marry.
Marriage works if both people want it to. Period, end of story! If you aren’t fully commited to making your marriage the single most important thing in your life, it’s probably doomed. I always beleived that if a person put their spouse’s feelings before their own, it would increase a marriages chance of survival. Too often I am around friends that talk bad about their spouse openly. I also witness couples that curse at each other. I have never in my life,heard my parents curse at each other. You need to respect your spouse and treat her that way. Never talk bad to people about her or curse at her like you curse at friends or others, especially when in a disagreement.
I am one of the unlucky ones who married then divorced. I am also one of the luckier ones who found the right girl the second time around. When I married the second time, my mom told us both, just one thing. “Be kind to each other”. That’s all..just be kind. Sounds corny huh? I sure as hell thought so. But after thinking it overÂ I conscientiously tried it. It makes sense too. It can only make your wife love and appreciate you more if you treat her kindly. Kind words, hold hands, little notes in everyday places, open doors for her (ALL THE TIME) and treat her like a woman used to be treated when our dads were young.
Yes, maybe the institution of marriage as we know it is doomed. And maybe its because we have forgotten what is truly important in our lives because we have all gotten caught up in computers, long hours at work, reality televisionÂ and what makes me happy. We allow our lives to become so complicated that we often don’t think about how to make our marriage better but just let days turn into years without thought of how it is actually falling apart. We allow our childrens’ interests to rule our marriage and forget that at one time, when they weren’t around, we were both what was important. Now, many husbands that started at number one in their wife’s eyes may very well be three or four, depending on how much she loves her parents and pets…
The formula for a good marriage isn’t that complicated. It just takes two people to be committed to making each others happiness the most important thing in their lives…Pretty simple huh?
I agree with what you have written and I can’t fault you for saying or thinking as such. I mean more marriages end up in divorce than not. If they don’t end up in divorce, they end up worse and that is staying together not really caring. Where I slightly part ways is in making ourselves happy. When you said to many people simply think in the “me” you were right and you were wrong. I think so many people actually don’t think about themselves enough and in the right manner. They don’t decide what it is that will actually make them happy therefore how are they ever going to be able to make another happy. For this reason they don’t act kindly towards her as you suggest. They don’t leave the little note and they aren’t tuned in to making themself happy therefore it never occurs to them they can’t make the other person happy. The other distraction, I believe, is in material wants. What color are the drapes, making the house perfect, I have to have a new car…and on and on. Making her the main focus and getting that the fun in life is involving her in the decision to enjoy life is the fun, not the actual gaining of a material thing. On the positive side I think for a long time I was guilty as charged…But now I understand that the fun is in the shared experience. It doesnt matter that the material wants aren’t perfect…
Ahhhh but you misunderstood the meaning of which I spoke. If you aren’t happy in your own skin you should never invite another to share in your life. You are, after all, correct in your stating that someone could never understand and apply happiness to another unless of course he/she knew what happiness is. On the other note, about material things, it is truly the evil that destroys most peoples lives. They believe happiness lies in “acquiring things” and wind up missing what is really great about life and also being in a loving and caring relationship. Although most marriages fail, the great ones last a lifetime…..( nice to hear from you bud!)
So true – marriage works if BOTH people want it to. And because they’re in *love.* I agree that, without effort, love can fade and any relationship will eventually fizzle, married or not. Without love, the desire to be kind to each other is overridden by selfish wants – material, sexual, emotional…you name it. Yeah, we can all say we’re in love, but what is *love* really? I believe it starts with physical attraction and grows out of deep friendship. Friendship based on shared interests and values. Values like trust, honor, a sense of humor, good communication and most of all, respect. It’s looking at your partner and thinking, “I hate that you swear all the time, but I love you anyway.” Or, “It drives me crazy that you’re a neat freak, but I love you anyway.” Or doing little things for each other because you know what makes the love of your life smile – like buying tickets to a concert she’d like or or watching his favorite sports teams together(while he swears) or letting her pick a paint color you don’t really like or listening to the same story over and over because you like hearing him tell it. Without this kind of respect and sincerity, all else in life becomes more significant than the “other.” Sometimes I wonder if my partner knows how much I really love him. Maybe it’s time I start leaving a few notes. 😉