Something borrowed, something blue…this wedding thing is not for you

Wedding Couple from Hell

Wedding Couple from Hell

I dread weddings. It always seems like an inconvenience to have to go to a wedding. All the planning and waiting for the day and then you go and the wedding is like a clone of the last one you went to. Can someone be original already?

Okay for me its always about wearing the jacket and tie thing. I really like the weddings where its “smart casual”. Yup, “smart casual”, that’s what I said. Where the hell did that come from? I probably would have to shake that persons hand because at least I have options on just how uncomfortable I will be that night. Women always make a big deal about what they are going to wear to a wedding. It’s real important that they get it just right because one of their friends is going to comment on their “outfit” and it better be a kind word. It always happens. Just pay a little attention to it and you will definitely hear one girlfriend to another, talk about someones “outfit’. And you know damn well it better not be one that was worn before because they remember each others “outfits” from the last event.

How about the Regular Guy? What is he wearing? Probably the same thing he wore to the last wedding, or funeral or class reunion. It doesn’t matter to us at all. Yeah maybe we change the shirt from black to blue, but the jacket remains the same. Okay we have a few ties for when we really want to be wild and go out on a limb. Come on, who really gives a crap what we wear. Did you ever once hear a guy comment on another guys suit at a wedding? “Wow what a great suit and it makes your eyes really pop!” ” Oh thanks and I got it off the rack for $$$$ , can you believe it?”

That’s another thing that makes me laugh. Did you ever notice when two women are talking about anything they recently purchased, they have to tell you what they paid for it. Especially if it was a bargain! ” Hey I love those shoes Sue!”. “Thanks Candy, and I only paid $15.00 for them, can you believe it!!!???” I catch my wife all the time doing it. I used to think it was just her but then I listened to other women and just about all of them do it.  They can’t resist it. It’;s something that’s part of their makeup. As a Regular Guy, we are lucky another guy even notices that were dressed let alone what we have on. Try it one time. See if you can remember what your friend was wearing when you saw him last. Unless he has some freaky thing on its just not going to happen, because its just to damn trivial to us.

So back to weddings. You get all dressed up and it’s gotta be the hottest day of the year and you are in a suit. Now you go to the ceremony and find out its outside on a beach and the couple, as brain dead as two potatoes,  didn’t have the common sense to think it might be pretty hot and sunny in August, on a beach! Do they set up a tent at least? No! How about having some cold water available for the hour long ceremony? No! Maybe there is a reason to use a wedding planner after all. Okay so lets see, I’m in a suit, sweaty, thirsty and baked, just where I want to be. I love weddings!!! Now we go inside and I don’t know about you but unless you are family or a close friend, you don’t know anyone there. Worse even still, they put you at the freak table. Yeah you know, its the one where all the single losers, nerdy co-workers and relative no one likes get to sit. Oh yeah, they do need a place for you and you don’t know anyone so they put you there. Wow the day is just getting better and better. I am thirsty. Lets see, where is that bar? Oh, I see it, just beyond the line that extends around half the room. And look, they have two bartenders for the 150 guests who attended this festive event. Well maybe I’ll just wait a while and have some appetizers that they are passing around. Lets see, here comes the girl now……oh look, there’s a piece of chicken on a stick, or maybe I’ll have that pig in a blanket.  So the appetizers are something they serve in the aisles at Costco while you shop for real food. Boy this is bound to become a fond memory to me. I understand now why so many people get wasted at weddings. The more you drink the less you eat, only you still have to fight to get to one of the bartenders. This could be a sitcom episode.

If you know me, then you also know that I am in the food business so I am very critical about events such as weddings. So lets check out the buffet because I think I already know the there is gong to be sausage and peppers somewhere between the chicken francaise and penne vodka. Yes, there it is, the Trifecta! So dinner ends and the bride cuts the cake. Yippeeee we all get a piece with our coffee. Hopefully, because in my experience, the coffee very rarely served at the same time as the dessert, which really makes me pissy.

Ready. So here comes the best part of a wedding for men. The dance floor. Come on guys you know that all of you dread weddings because your woman is going to want to dance with you to “Its Raining Men or Celebration”. And there is ALWAYS one woman who drags out some guy by the hand and forces him to do the “White man shuffle” while she dances around him like Jennifer Beal in Flash dance. Oh I really love that scene. Poor guy.

Okay, I know I sound cynical about the whole tradition, but can I help but sound this way? So maybe the food isn’t why we all go to weddings. After all we really do want to see that someone special sent off to marital bliss. I do know that sometimes you get lucky and find yourself at a wedding that is good, maybe even great. When a couple really thinks about everything to make their guests go “Wow”. The shrimp are huge and endless, the drinks flow faster than you can ask for them, the food makes you think your at a four star restaurant and the music is just so right on that you wanna dance, or at least tap your feet. Yes this does happen every once in a while

The funny thing about weddings, is that the couple, no matter how bad you think it was, had a great time. I have never heard a couple say that their wedding was bad. They all have a blast and that’s the way it should be. It’s their day and it has to be the most memorable one of their lives, and its our duty to make them feel that way. We are there because they want to be surrounded by the people they care most about and because we have made them the people they are today. So much of their happiness on this day depends on us being a part of it all. So, all you Regular Guys out there, suck it up, put on your best “outfit” and go have a good time. Dance with your wife to all that crazy old disco music and try to find the humor in it all. After all, that happy couple up there at the head table, is counting on you being there, to share the single most important day of their life together.

Just one man’s opinion…

The Regular Guy

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2 Responses to Something borrowed, something blue…this wedding thing is not for you

  1. BioBasics says:

    An cool blog post right there mate . Cheers for the post !

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